Smash Burgers on American Nights
and how not to act in a hair salon
Hi everyone. Today we have:
an open discussion on toxic traits
the best Smash Burger of my life
Say No to Appointments
In the past week, I’ve noticed a few things about myself that are borderline problematic. So here are my self-observed toxic traits - I’m sure there are plenty of others that I’m unaware of.
When I have a single appointment it somehow consumes my entire day - mentally preparing, making sure I know how to get there, eating something before, making sure I don’t smell weird, etc. Then after the appointment I am mentally drained from all the pointless anxiety I put myself through and need a sweet treat and to watch Love Island.
I forget how to act in a hair salon - this is one that I’m writing for Amy but I’m pretty bad too. Amy gets so flustered when she’s getting a haircut that she loses all social skills. Just the other day she asked her hairdresser “what kind of DUIs have you done?” when she meant DIYs. No one corrected this. She also forgot cash for tipping and had a bizarre interaction where she tipped on her card and was handed that amount in cash (with no explanation!) which she then tried to pocket until the lady at the front desk called her out. Somehow she thought they were tipping her for making it through the appointment? Now she has to switch salons out of humiliation. “This interaction will keep me up at night for the next 6 months” - Amy.
I can’t go anywhere without bringing pasta salad - it started when we went to Paris and brought 4 tubs of pasta salad for the plane ride which was obviously clutch, but insane. It has continued to a point where anytime we are leaving home, we need to have 1 pound of pasta salad with us. Last weekend we brought a Kale Caesar Pasta Salad out east which will be next week’s recipe because it slayed. Maybe this is actually my best quality?
I think anyone with a neck tattoo is hot.
This one is also (mostly) for Amy - using the term “creamed my pants” too often and loosely. It was recently brought to our attention that this might be inappropriate. We’re never thinking of the true meaning behind it when we use it out in public, but maybe we should??
Here’s to bringing awareness to toxic traits because observing your own psychosis is one of the most powerful things you can do. This is legitimate advice - you are not your mind, you are actually the observer of your mind.
Think of it this way - if you aren’t thinking a thought, you still exist, right? Yes. So sometimes it’s helpful to sit back and watch your mind overthink (like when you’re at the hair salon questioning everything). You know that’s not the real you. By becoming aware of this, you can unhook from your anxious thoughts instead of getting lost in them. It’s explained in more detail in What’s in the Way Is the Way (definitely recommend). Anyway, stay toxic!!
American Nights
Name something better than sitting around with your friends on a warm summer night (no humidity), drinking beers, enjoying a fire, and listening to some nostalgic tunes. YOU CAN’T. The only thing that enhances this is having a smash burger in your stomach (why must you describe is this way?)
Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I love a lot of very American things. It’s something I never really identified with until now. I love burgers, corn dogs, and banana cream pie. I’ve actually been talking about making banana cream pie for so long that Amy gets infuriated and yells “JUST MAKE IT ALREADY” if I so much as point to a banana.
Anyway, we did get around to making a smash burger and then got around to it again 2 days later because it was that good. Obviously we worship Jerrell’s BETR BRGR like it is a religion, because it is - so this smash burger was inspired by our Jerrell’s order.
Smash or Pass
The technique involves a griddle or a cast iron pan (or anything that can get really hot). You keep the meat in ball form and place it on the hot griddle. Sprinkle it with thinly shaved onions before smashing it (with more force than you think) into a thin, craggly, patty. If you have a burger press, good 4 you, but you could also use a double spatula technique like we did.
The spicy homemade burger sauce is sickeningly good. We used American cheese which is never my first choice but I was immediately proven wrong after taking a bite. The toppings are simple - lettuce, tomato, and pickles - and that’s all you need.
This is intended to be eaten while listening to Zach Bryan’s album, specifically the song American Nights. It is the perfect ambiance. What is not the perfect ambiance is the squeak of Amy’s harmonica that she recently purchased. She is however, requesting to be invited to your next gathering with her harmonica. “Can I play it? No! But do I look good with it? Definitely not!” Sounds like a no-brainer to me.
Enjoy the burgers and poetic words of Zach Bryan!!
Double Patty Smash Burger Recipe
For the spicy burger sauce:
1/4 cup vegan mayo
2 tablespoons pickled jalapeños, diced
2 tablespoons ketchup or BBQ sauce
1 teaspoons yellow mustard
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon paprika
Optional: few drops of liquid smoke
For the smash burger:
A few tablespoons vegan butter, divided
5 ounces plant-based ground, formed into two 2.5 ounce-balls (we prefer Impossible)
White or yellow onion, thinly sliced
Optional: Umami or steak seasoning
2 slices vegan American cheese
Spicy Burger Sauce
Shredded iceberg lettuce
Pickle chips
Tomato, sliced and seasoned with salt & pepper
Method:
Tip: Have everything prepared (burger sauce made, vegetables chopped) before you start cooking the burger so that you can assemble and serve immediately.
Make the burger sauce: In a small bowl, add all the ingredients and whisk to combine. Taste and adjust as you deem necessary.
Toast the buns: In a cast iron pan or griddle on medium high heat, add some vegan butter. Toast the inside of the buns for a few minutes until it browns. Set aside on a wire rack or in your oven (so it doesn’t get soggy).
Smash the burgers onto the grill: Place the 2.5 ounce balls of meat onto the hot pan and sprinkle them with the sliced onions. Using a burger press or two spatulas, push down on the burgers to smash them so they’re about 1/4 inch thick. The onions should be smashed into the patty as well. Option to sprinkle with umami or steak seasoning.
Cook and melt the cheese: Cook for about 2 minutes or until the burger starts to brown on the outside. Flip and add a slice of American cheese to each burger. Pour a tiny bit of water onto the grill next to the burgers and cover so it steams. Cook 1-2 minutes until the cheese melts (lower the heat if you feel the burger is getting overcooked). Stack the burgers on top of one another and them remove from the grill.
Assemble: To the bottom bun, add spicy burger sauce, shredded iceberg lettuce, pickle slices, seasoned tomato, the 2 burger patties, more sauce, and the top bun. GO OFF.
