Stop texting my Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad

riff raffin about dating, getting a hobby, and noods (the ones you eat).

Today, we present:

• Dating updates (one is better than the other but I guess it’s all perspective!)

• A piece of advice (you signed up for this)

• Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad recipe

Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad that’ll have you in a chokehold

I’d like to point out that dating for fun has been, well, fun. But now it’s not because I have a boyfriend and need to listen to this episode of Hot Mess to figure out how to act. My entire bit is over and I have nothing funny to say anymore. Jk, I WILL ADAPT.

My own advice worked too well on myself. Then again, when I really break it down… I inhaled 12 grapes under a table at midnight on NYE because TikTok said if you did that, you’d be guaranteed a boyfriend in the calendar year. There’s no way I was chancing it with my personality!

One of us is still out there dating for fun even though she also choked down the grapes. One thing that is not fun - boys who use “travel mode” on Bumble. Why are you digitally creeping in cities that you’re not physically in?! Plus you’re paying to use this feature - very sus. Everyone I match with either lives across the Long Island Sound aka in Connecticut (no I didn’t have to google what that body of water was) or in rural Indiana. Good thing there is a lot of year left.

Cockblock Sound

Stop the Texts. Get a Hobby.

This week’s advice. Forget the texting stage when you are in a situationship / early on in dating. It will drive you mad (spoken from experience). Instead, just plan the next time you will see them.

I have to give credit to our cousin who has been very vocal (too vocal??) about her hatred of texting someone constantly in the early phases of dating. I used to do it and it would consume a lot of my time without me realizing. And, as soon as the person changes up their texting habits (it will happen), you lose your mind. It’s just simple math - carry the one and boom you’re on your way to a mental institution.

It is much easier to not text all day, even though it seems so fun in the beginning. Instead, plan the next date. Maybe check in once in a while to see how their day is (actually don’t I hate this) but definitely don’t make it a constant, all day, never-ending convo. I want a song, a picture of food, or a compliment. If it’s not one of those three, I’m busy. On that note, GET A HOBBY AND MAKE THIS NOODLE SALAD.

Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad

I’ll smash your cucumber… I’m literally so sorry.

We got a winner for you this week. I mean it’s always a winner but what else am I supposed to say? If someone made this for me… I would shove them out of the way and eat the entire bowl.

We used a Fresno chili pepper here which was new for us (kind of embarrassing to admit as people who love spicy food) but safe to say it was DELICIOUS and will be making many more appearances.

The ‘salad’ is crunchy, creamy, spicy, fresh, and FAB. It is a ‘salad’ filled with noodles so do with that what you want.

I love mixing salads

Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad Recipe

For the smashed cucumbers:

• 1 tablespoon rice vinegar

• 2 teaspoons sesame oil 

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1 teaspoon sugar

• 4 Persian cucumbers (or 1 english cucumber)

• 1 Fresno chili, chopped with most of the seeds removed

Method: In a small bowl, whisk together the rice vinegar, sesame oil, salt, and sugar. Wash the cucumbers and cut off the ends. Lay them on a cutting board and use the side of a large knife to whack them until they start to break (you have to use a decent amount of force). Then cut them on a diagonal into bite-size pieces. Add them to the bowl with the chopped fresno chili and stir to coat. Set aside or place in the fridge.

For the noodle salad:

• 1 serving crispy tofu or 1 cup shelled edamame

• 2 servings vermicelli noodles, about 2 cups

• 1 carrot, grated

• 2 cups romaine lettuce, sliced thinly

• 1/4 cup cilantro, chopped

• 1/4 cup scallions

• Smashed cucumbers

For the dressing:

• 1/3 cup smooth, runny peanut butter (we use Kirkland brand at room temp)

• Juice of 2 limes, about 1/4 cup

• 2 tablespoons tamari 

• 1 garlic clove, grated

• 1 teaspoon ginger, grated

• 1 teaspoon sriracha, optional

• Up to 1/4 cup water

Method:

1. Make the dressing: Whisk peanut butter, lime juice, tamari, garlic, ginger, sriracha. Slowly add the water until the dressing your desired consistency.

2. Prepare your protein: Bake the crispy tofu or prepare the edamame.

3. Cook the vermicelli noodles: Cook noodles according to the package instructions (usually by soaking them in boiling water for a few minutes). Rinse and toss with a little sesame oil to prevent them from sticking.

4. Combine: In a large bowl combine the vermicelli noodles, carrot, romaine lettuce, cilantro, scallions, smashed cucumbers (and the juices), and tofu or edamame.

5. Dress and serve: Pour on your desired amount of dressing, reserving some extra if you plan to have leftovers (the noodles will soak it up).

This gets even better as it sits in the fridge and those are the best kinds of ‘salads.’

Smashed Cucumber Thai Noodle Salad Recipe

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Shoutout to our brother because it’s his birthday today - happy birthday, I should probably just text you. ALSO it’s Julie’s birthday tomorrow (and Dua Lipa Day - arguably more important).